Angst
by mrscreepyheather
Summary: Yuri through the years.


**This is the first time I've posted in the YOI fandom normally its One Piece for ZoSan. I hope you like it and thanks for reading. **

**I am trying to raise money to get surgery for my kitty Gaea so if you can help great if not I understand. surgery-for-heather-brown**

At 14 Yuri meets Katsudon and sees what pressure can do to a professional athlete. He spends the next months hating the man for being weak because it reminds him of himself. He meets the man again when Victor leaves and spends time with Katsudon's friends and family and hates him even more for the jealousy it brings. The jealousy churns to fury because Katsudon pushed people away but they were still drawn to him and fought for a place by his side. Yuri pushed people away and they just left, not all people he must admit but still enough to hurt.

At 15 he makes his first friend, win's a gold medal he's truly proud of, breaks a record and can finally breath. He doesn't feel the need to fight people to pay attention to him and feels like he has more family than just his Grandfather. He no longer feels the need to be loud and brash and harsh all the time just to protect himself, though it's still there. Some say it's because he's a teenager Georgi politely calls it passion.

At 16 he realizes the need for privacy. Somehow the part of puberty that makes for stiff wakeups and awkward talks with cute boys who wear tight clothes and show off their muscular arms had been buried under drive and the desire to crush others and dominate.

He also realizes that somehow Victor became like a father he never had but also like a stupid older brother that picks on him. Victor had been a different person before Katsudon and now the dork seems free, he's no longer the person who comes in with a laser focus and leaves with hardly a word said to the others that didn't involve skating or dogs. Now he shares everything and takes a personal interest in all things Yuri much to his horror.

To Yuri's confusion Katsudon becomes like a mother, older and younger brother and the recurring star in his late night fantasies. Katsudon dotes on him and makes him food and rubs his feet and legs when a growth spurt hits. He makes sure Yuri sleeps enough but also shares videos games with him that keep him up late at night. They conspire together to play pranks on the hockey players and run away laughing madly. But he's also there when Katsudon needs protection from the world. When he sees the attention just a little too much he distracts him with something and Victor steps in to draw the attention away.

The first time he starts to jack off and thinks of Katsudon in skin tight dance clothes moving in suggestive ways his guilt rises and he can't look him in the eye for a week. He doesn't tell Beka his thoughts because he has the same for his only friend so he goes online and comes to the startling conclusion that the internet can scare you away from sex for life if not careful. Through insults and a tirade he asks Georgi who tells him it's normal. He's burning in embarrassment but knows that no matter how dramatic Georgi is the man wouldn't tell a soul.

The first time he's on skype with a freshly showered Beka who is only wearing pants and still drying the water from his hair Yuri learns the need for a pillow nearby to cover any embarrassing things that rise. He splutters and stumbles his words and feels disappointed when Beka puts on a shirt but it helps calm his libido. He's reminded why he can never act on his feeling when his beloved cat gets sick and Beka flies to see him and stays for a week.

At 17 Yuri sees how ugly the world can be when him, Victor and Katsudon are leaving the ice rink. Katsudon and Victor had been especially lovey dovey which Yuri had been making fun of all day. They think nothing of it as the couple steps out of the rink hands held together adoration on their faces.

"Faggots." Yuri hears said in harsh Russian. He looks up from his phone and sees a man sneering at Katsudon and Victor. Katsudon looks sad and tries to bury himself in his husband's side. Victor gets a frosty look on his face but before he can say anything Yuri steps forward and kicks the man in the side knocking him down the steps.

Katsudon rushes to Yuri's side for whatever reason making sure he's alright. As if Yuri was the one hurt in all this. Victor steps between them and the man who stands up cursing, the legendary skater tries to usher them back in the building but the man mentions the police.

"Go ahead." Victor says.

Yuri gets tense at this. He's worried Victor would rat him out. He's worried he won't go to the Olympics. Panic rises more when a cop car does show up but Victor stands on his left and Katsudon on his right and he feels safe.

Yakov walks out arms crossed over his chest with his hat down partially shading his eyes. "What's the problem?" he asks the cop.

The man who Yuri kicked begins to curse and yell and he and the cop go back and forth for a moment before he calms down. "He kicked me as he was walking by for no reason!"

The cop turns to Yuri. "Sir is that true?"

Yuri wants to tell the truth but this is different. There are real consequences not just pissed off people who still talk to him later no matter how harsh he is. He takes a step behind Victor and his pride takes a hit.

Yakov turns from glaring at Yuri to focus that ire on the man. Yuri smiles smugly when the man steps back. He'd been on the receiving end of that look too many times for it to affect him. "It did not happen." Yakov says. "I saw them the whole time from the window."

Yuri is a little stunned. Maybe it was just to save him for the competitions but either way he appreciates the old man though he won't say it.

"Are you sure sir?" The cop insists.

A vein in Yakov's head pops, his jaw tenses and Yuri knows what's next. "Are you questioning me? I have been training champions for Mother Russia since before you were born. I know everything that goes on inside and out of my rink."

The man begins to yell derogatory things again and no one can out yell Yakov. He starts out deafening but quiets to a roar, his voice is still sinister and implies threats until it's no longer an implication. "You're an idiot! You don't know anything about skating! My athletes are better than you in every way! Every single skater under me is a champion. They work tirelessly every day and only push to be better. What have you done? Nothing! You say cruel things because you are weak! Because you are nothing! If you disappeared no one would miss you. Behind me is the pride of Russia and Japan. These three have medals and titles and hold records for things you could never dream of. Do I have to call our nation's leader who loves winners?" Yakov surprisingly removes his phone from his pocket and scrolls to Putin's number.

The cop pales and begins to shake his head. He drags the man after him saying he must have fallen, that he needs to stay away from the rink if he's so clumsy.

Back inside the rink Yuri gets a rant from Yakov and he nods and keeps silent. He has a new respect for the man. Later he gets a home cooked meal from Katsudon and sits on the couch between the two of them watching _The Cat Returns._

With the slur in Yuri's head he resolves not to tell Beka his feelings for him. He's 99% sure Beka wouldn't hate him but there is a small quiet voice that worries their friendship might not survive. He is plagued by too many what ifs for days.

A few weeks after the fight with the bastard outside the rink Beka has joined Yakov's group for the season due to his coach's illness. Victor had been the one to suggest it when Yuri had went on a whiney rant worried Beka would miss out on competitions. Yakov likes Otabek, he's quiet and listens and doesn't bring drama and antics to the rink.

Yuri loves having his best friend around all the time. They are able to drive around on Beka's bike and explore the city and the surrounding area. They talk and share everything about themselves. Yuri even gets to introduce Otabek to his grandpa and frets over what he will think of the leather clad man. He's ready to defend but his grandpa smiles and nods and says "well done." Yuri has a feeling his grandpa had the wrong impression, one which Yuri wishes was true, but is grateful for the acceptance.

There are many times when Yuri thinks this is what dating could be, many times his mind is almost fooled into believing it could be true. Such as when they stay up late binging shows and fall asleep cuddling each other on the couch or when Yuri gets a cold and becomes a snot monster only for Beka to still look at him with fondness and bring him whatever he needs.

It becomes harder for Yuri who is quick to speak his mind to stop and think before he speaks. He has almost called his friend handsome or sexy. Usually in the form of "you're under rotating if you don't watch it you will fall on your handsome face" or "quit showing off your sexy muscles." He even almost said he loved him once and that had been a heart stopping, stomach clenching, soul leaving your body kind of moment. He ended up saying he loved Potya, which was true but he could see the look of confusion and disbelief on his friend's face. Possibly even disappointment but Yuri wasn't sure if that was wishful thinking.

Yuri is heart broken when Otabek returns to Almaty and maybe he cries when his best friend and the man he loves hugs him tight then turns away to the line for security. And maybe Yuri furiously rubs his eyes and hunches in on himself on the ride back home with Katsudon by his side rubbing his back as Victor drives but neither say a word.

At 17 Yuri goes on his first date. He had kept asking Beka when he was going to date someone thinking that if the man did date hopefully it would help with a few issues. First of all he wanted to know if Beka would date a man but had to remind himself he didn't want to loose his friend. He also hoped seeing Beka happy with someone else would make it easier to let him go.

So Yuri goes on a date with a soft spoken but physically impressive guy he meets at a gym that has a pool. He decided to try swimming to switch up his work out routines and hopefully get a new interest that would take up his free time. He's so-so about the swimming but smiles at the shy handsome life guard. After going three times a week for a month the life guard Dmitri asks him out. Yuri is hesitant to say yes, part of him feels like he will be betraying Otabek, but in the end he does because he and Beka almost fought over his persistence to get Beka to date and he needs to stop pestering his friend.

He doesn't tell Otabek about the date, he doesn't really tell anyone. The date is okay Yuri supposes. They went to dinner but the conversation didn't flow, it started and stopped and had ample awkward pauses. He thinks maybe that's how all first dates are but he wouldn't know. Dmitri then takes him to play mini golf and he almost laughs at the absurdity of it and comes close to breaking the club when the ball fails to do his will. At the end of the night he gets a too wet kiss on his cheek. Yuri's not ready to give his first true kiss away to just anyone so he's happy with the kiss on the cheek. He's polite enough to wait until he's inside to clean the slobber off his face.

Him and Dmitri keep seeing each other. It gets easier but no where near the ease he has with Beka. Only Victor and Katsudon know and Yuri doesn't like keeping it a secret from his best friend but he does. The first true on the lips kiss he shares with Dmitri is nice but he can't help thinking how it would be like with Beka. He feels bad and can never feel truly happy with Dmitri but tries for his sake. The new season starts to ramp up and their relationship is strained. Yuri starts to focus on his new choreography and putting together a winning program, his time with Dmitri is shortened. He's even fallen asleep on the phone with his boyfriend. Ultimately they break up, it's peaceful and Yuri walks away happy for the way it ended.

He wishes he could share all of that with Beka but he knows he can't.

Yuri feels a vice like panic grip him when he and Beka are skyping and he learns his friend, the man he loves has been dating a girl for two weeks. He slams his laptop shut and screams into his pillow. Beka tries to call him but he can't answer instead he sends a text saying the connection is down and he'll try again later.

He throws himself into skating until he's exhausted. He does anything to try and stop the pain of his heart feeling like it has been pulled apart. Beka keeps trying to call him and he can't answer. His hand shakes as his finger hovers over the slide to answer the call but he can't get his voice to work so he doesn't answer.

His first assignment is Skate Canada and he tries to hide the sadness he feels upon seeing Otabek's name there too. Victor is retired but continues to help coach and do commercials in his spare time but he follows Yuri to Canada. Katsudon isn't competing at Skate Canada and has his own competition coming up soon but he comes too. His grandpa even comes. After finding good doctors and getting back surgery his health is better and he never misses Yuri's competitions. Yuri cries in his room the night before they leave happy he will have most of his family with him and heart broken to see Otabek with his girl friend.

It's inevitable really. Yuri tries to avoid Beka but he can't. Out of frustration and out of options Otabek traps him in an office at the Skate Canada rink. "I didn't think you were a coward." Beka says.

"I'm not!" Yuri defensively replies. He just never had so much on the line before.

Otabek crosses his arms and rest against the closed door. "Oh really? Then why have you been ignoring me for weeks? I had to call Yuuri and Victor just to make sure you were still alive. What's going on Yura?"

Yuri saw the sadness and hurt in his best friend's eyes. He had to be honest, they were already at the breaking point. He couldn't look at Beka anymore and sat in a chair looking down. "I don't what to loose you but I couldn't even think of you with some girl." It wasn't exactly a confession but it came close to it.

Otabek sat next to him in another chair far enough away but close enough Yuri could still feel his body heat. "You could never loose me Yura. I'll always be your friend." He sighed. "What did you mean by the other part?"

Yuri fiddles with the strings on his tiger hoodie. He debates how to put it. He knows he has to say something. He has to be open and honest but leave Beka an out. He needs to make sure Beka knows they can still be friends, that Yuri will just need time before they can go back to how they were. He sighs defeated. This may be the last time he can call Beka his friend. "I love you as more than a friend. It made me so jealous and angry to see you with someone that wasn't me. I'm sure she's nice and all but until I can get over how I feel for you I just need space."

Otabek relaxes in the chair next to him no longer tense. "You know I kept thinking maybe you were attracted to me. But then I thought maybe that's just me hoping for more. Then you kept demanding I date someone and I thought that must be your way of telling me you're not interested, for me to get over it."

A tiny spark of hope had ignited in Yuri. Otabek had hoped for more too. But he had to keep the spark in check to keep it from spreading like wildfire. "I'm sorry. I was thinking if you dated someone then I would know if you would date a guy plus I thought my feelings for you would change back to friends if I saw you happy with someone."

Beka let out a tiny chuckle. "I suppose we need to work on our communication don't we." Yuri nodded in agreement. "If you would have answered my calls you would have found out me and Zia broke up."

"Really?" Yuri tried to keep the joy from his voice at the news.

"Yeah I was really stressed not hearing from you. I was worried for you and worried for us. She didn't understand the bond me and you have and said some rude things so I dumped her. Which was fine, all I could think about was you and competing. I've had time to think and I knew what I wanted to say to you but now I think I just need to be as clear as I can." Otabek stood and reached a hand out to Yuri. "Yura, I love you more than a friend too. Will you be my boyfriend?"

Yuri jumped up and wrapped Beka in a tight hug. "Yes!" That moment felt better than any medal.

Yuri's 25 and a mess of nerves. He keeps fiddling with every aspect of his white tux. His hair was styled earlier and Lilia had slapped his hand a few times to keep him from touching that too. He fights his nerves as they pack into a stretch limo. He leans slightly into his grandfather who's on his right side. The old man wraps an arm around his shoulders and gives him a proud smile. Mila's on his left and she pats his knee in comfort. He can see Victor and Yuuri further down, they are both wrapped in each other, probably remembering their own day. Georgi is sitting next to his wife spouting corny lines about love and romance.

They come to a lush park with a gazebo over looking a pond. He had to admit it was really romantic. He tries to hide his blush as he remembers Beka proposing here one night. They had gotten a bit amorous after and fell in the pond which led to him laughing so hard he could hardly catch his breath. Now when he looks at the gazebo covered in flowers with all of their friends and family sitting in chairs and Beka standing off to the side looking so very handsome in his black tux he feels breathless again.

They get through the ceremony and he hardly remembers it. He does remember trying to control the shaking of his voice as they said their own vows. He feels like his heart could burst from all the love he feels in that moment.

He's sitting in an office of an orphanage a ball of nerves and determination at age 31. Beka sits next to him holding his hand. They have both retired from competition but are still active in the skating community. Yuri and Victor have become co-coaches to eight skaters. Victor still gets asked to commentate on competitions at times which Yuri is fine with, he never learned how to have charm. Yuuri has become a ballet instructor as well as a dance coach to their eight skaters. Beka still travels the world as a DJ but still keeps one foot in the skating world helping other skaters pick the music best suited for their theme.

Yuri and his husband have decided it's time to adopt. Victor and Yuuri now have two dogs and last year adopted one of Yuuri's youngest ballet students. The poor girls parents had died in a car crash and Victor and Yuuri had already been so taken with her and her with them it was natural. Yuri saw how the three of them grew even closer and wants that for himself. He wants a kid with Beka, he wants someone he can protect and raise like his Grandfather did him.

At the orphanage a month ago they met a five year old boy named Ivan who loves tigers and hockey. The boy has never been on the ice but watches hockey any chance he gets. Yuri wants to introduce him to the ice and teach him how dangerous yet amazing it is. He doesn't want to push him but he thinks that if Ivan wanted to he could be the most graceful and talented hockey players around.

They've been through the home visits and interviews and he is still surprised how being a celebrity even one not in the lime light anymore can speed up a normally lengthy process. He spent the better part of a week buying things for Ivan and decorating his room. Him and Beka stayed up the night before in anticipation and nerves waiting for this moment.

When Ivan goes home with them it another sleepless night as the young boy has nightmares but once he sleeps with them he is at peace. He continues to sleep with them off and on for the next year but Ivan's fears of abandonment are put to rest and they find they miss cuddling their son at night.

When Ivan competes in his first hockey match Yuri and Beka couldn't be happier. Everyone from the skate rink shows up to support him and afterward they have a party.

At 42 he apologizes to everyone who knew him as a teen. Ivan is still a great kid, the best in Yuri's eyes but good god the teen angst is unbearable at times. Yuri knows he was worse, knows that he was angry and violent and hurt at the world even before he became a teenager. Because he was a young athlete trying to maintain his fey qualities Yuri missed the change boy's bodies go through. Ivan hasn't missed that and complains loudly at times and Yuri has to smack him on the back to get him to focus around pretty girls.

Yuri hasn't missed the way Victor and Yuuri's Anisa smiles shyly at Ivan. Or the way his son smiles back at her and brings her gifts like he's trying to court her but is too shy or afraid to ask her out.

He's older and his joints creak when Anisa and Ivan marry. He's reminded of his wedding day with Beka as he looks at them at the altar. He's also reminded of a scared little boy they brought home all those years ago. He's proud of the man they raised.

Yuri wishes he grandfather could be here for this but they lost him a while back. He thinks of the day he and Beka will be grandfathers too. He wonders what the babies will call them. He knows he's getting a head of himself but his life has been great and he's looking forward to more.

He holds the most precious amazing thing in his arms one night in a quiet hospital. Anisa and Ivan have both fallen asleep after a long day. Beka's at the kid's home finishing the crib since their angel baby Katya decided to be born early. Yuuri and Victor are roaming the halls trying to get Katsudon calmed down after the birth. He was nervous and anxious and fretted constantly with his little girl in pain. Having Anisa calm now and Katya out and healthy helped.

Yuri looks into the sleeping prefect face of his granddaughter and promises her she will never know the abandonment her father or grandfather knew. He promises to always make sure she knows she is loved and supported in anything she does. Yuri is the happiest he has ever been.


End file.
